Dr. S' NFL Picks of the Week

Here's a breakdown of this weeks matchups in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. My season record to date is not good (13-16-3) but I feel like I'm going to turn it around real soon. You won't find any crazy stats here, just my gut feeling about teams (maybe that's why I'm doing so poorly...). So here they are (Home team in CAPS).


Indy (-6) over HOUSTON- Lead Pipe Lock of the Week

Houston and Matt Schaub have looked impressive in their first two contests (wins against Carolina and the Chiefs). Carolina is a decent victory but the Chiefs are the worst team in the league. Also stud WR Andre Johnson is out for the game. Look for the Colts to win big.

Buffalo (+16.5) over NEW ENGLAND

Listen, I love my Pats, they're the best team in football hands down but there is no way they cover this spread. This has all the makings of a 20-7 snooze-fest where Belichick doesn't try to do anything fancy. Heck, it could be a lot closer than 20-7. New England has a tendency to let bad teams hang around a little bit because they don't want to show their hand to the rest of the league. On top of that, the Bills are one of the few teams that hasn't whined about Belichick, include that with the whole Kevin Everett injury and the Hooded One will probably show some mercy against the hapless Bills.

NEW YORK JETS ( -3) over Miami

Look for the Mangina the Hypocrite to rebound against a Miami team that has not played well but will be frisky enough to keep it close, especially because Chad Pennington will be playing for the Jets. Look for a low scoring game, something like 13-6 with a lot of cheating by New York.

Detroit (+6) over Philly - UPSET SPECIAL

The Eagles are not a good team. They throw the ball 50 times a game for some reason and history says you can't win by playing like that. Detroit has emerged as a pretty decent team, especially now since God is helping Kitna recover from injuries. Factor this in with Philly's Brians (Westbrook and Dawkins) being questionable and you wonder why the Eagles are favored. Hey McNabb, you don't get criticized because your black, it's because you suck and haven't won anything (sweet NFC Championship ring though, dude.).

PITTSBURGH (-9) over San Francisco

I hate the Steelers and everything they're about (cut your freaking hair and change your number, Polamalu) but they have looked pretty good against some BAD teams (Cleve and Buffalo) while the 9ers have squeaked by some fair competition (Arizona and St. Louis). San Francisco and Mr. Small Hands haven't been able to move the ball effectively. However, the 49ers D has looked very good with super-rook Pat Willis (not my hall mate from sophomore year at boarding school, the 6'1" 240-lbs black man from Mississippi) clogging up the middle. I think this game will be close but with the Steelers pulling away late, something like 20-10.

TAMPA BAY (-3.5) over St. Louis

St. Louis with out Orlando Pace is like Thanksgiving without the turkey, you still get a nice meal but something is seriously missing. Add to that, that all Jeff Garcia does is win football games and you have the Bucs covering easily.

San Diego (-5) over GREEN BAY

Green Bay has looked good, especially on defense, but I don't think that either of their opponents (Philly and the Giants) are particularly good. On the other hand this Charger team talks like they invented football and their QB has been very poor. I think LT steps up this game and Favre throws 3 picks which will be forced by pressure from 'Roid Rage Merriman and the rest of the very good Whale's Vagina pass rush.

BALTIMORE (-8) over Arizona

Arizona looks to have a revamped defense but their offense has been nothing more than decent. Baltimore should be 2-0 right now and will be fired up to play at home. Arizona will keep it close but I picture Ed Reed taking a Leinart pass the other way for 6 in the 4th quarter to help the Ravens cover.

Minnesota (+3) over KANSAS CITY

Kansas City is bad, like miserable bad, like 2-14 bad. I have no idea why the are favored to win this game (I guess because of homefield advantage and possibly the return of Jared Allen). Regardless whether Tavaris Jackson or Kelly Holcomb start for the Vikings, Herm "I did a terrible job" Edwards will find some way to blow the game (and probably Larry Johnson's ACL in the process).

OAKLAND (-3) over Cleveland

Cleveland's 51 point outburst against Cincinnati is like when I hooked up with this hot chick with a nice rack at a Dave Matthews Concert (you don't know how it happened, you don't why how it happened, but there are 2 things you are sure of 1) that Cincy and that girl felt terrible about themselves the next day and 2) it will probably never happen again). On top of that the Raiders defense is much better than Cincy's. Look for the Scuttler (Lamont Jordan) to have a big (150+ yards) day and Oakland to cover easily. Cleveland's season peaked last week.

SEATTLE (-3.5) over Cincinnati

I could be totally wrong about this one but the Bengals looked awful on defense and Seattle will be looking to avenge that loss to the Cardinals. Honestly I have no idea.

DENVER (-3) over Jacksonville

The Jaguars are a bad team. It's that simple. While Denver has not looked impressive and Ron Jaworski's man crush (Cutler) hasn't wowed people they are still good team who will win 10 or so games. One of those will come today over the Jags (who are realizing that cutting Byron Leftwich (who has Heart of a Champion) brought them some serious negative Karma).

ATLANTA (+3.5) over Carolina

Not really sure why. I don't want to write anything about this game because it will depress me. If this is the game that is on TV in your area, you should probably move.

WASHINGTON (-3.5) over New York Giants

The Giants defense stinks on ice and I blame Michael Strahan and the giant gap in his teeth. Seriously, they don't even look like they're trying. Jason Campbell has looked very good and so has my man Clinton Portis. Week 1 was fluke for the black-sheep Manning boy. They should put in the Battleship just for fun. Look for New York coach Tom Coughlin to get fired at half-time.

Dallas (+3) over CHICAGO

I think Dallas will score enough points on the Bears to put the game out of reach for Sexy Rexy. The Bears will score 2 touchdowns (one on defense/special teams and one on a bomb to Bernard Berrian where Roy Williams completely misplays the ball) but that won't be enough as the Cowboys score somewhere in the 20-28 range. Note: I hate this pick and will be rooting for the Bears, Dallas sucks.

Tennessee (+4) over NEW ORLEANS

Yeah, I know the 'Aints will be fired up to play at home but they have looked terrible. And don't forget Rule #1 of football: Vince Young wins games and Rule #2: unless he is playing Tom Brady. The Titans will win outright and the 'Aints can go back to being a footnote in the NFL.

Spy/camera/video/witchhunt gate

I'm not the most objective guy out there, I'll admit that, but this whole Bill Belichick thing has passed the level of ludicrous and has wandered into the "Red Dawn" zone. (Referring to the Pat Swayze movie where Russians invade America. Like the Belichick debacle it has a puzzling premise to begin with, the players are transparent, your not really sure you should be wasting your time paying attention to it, and it goes on for way to long.) For anyone who has been in a cave on Mars with their fingers in their ears for the past week, the Patriots were caught videotaping the New York Jets defensive signals in the first quarter of their Week 1 game. Nobody has really conveyed to me why videotaping the opposing coaches signals is a big deal other than "it violates the rules," which is a garbage reason to begin with; America was founded on breaking the rules. To paraphrase Otter from Animal House, "Well, you can do whatever you want to [Belichick], but [I'm] not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America."

Anyway... you're allowed to look at opposing coaches during the game, right? So what if you were to hire a stenographer to manually record the signals using words to describe them, is that cheating? Why is using a video camera such a freaking big deal. You're allowed take aerial photographs of the opposing defenses from a blimp and then send them down to the sidelines for the QBs to study but God forbid you should videotape the opposing coaches signals. Am I missing something here?

The worst part about this whole thing is that somehow no one is talking about that P.O.S. snitch Mangina. He had to have known the Pats were doing this while he was there (and winning rings, by the bye) but suddenly he has a moment of conscience two years later and decides to spill his guts to the NFL Fuhrer like he's an "unlawful combatant" in Gitmo. That's crap. There are two things I rememeber my dad telling me when I was little, (1) everything you touch turns to shit (which is a whole other issue) and (2) don't ever, ever, ever, snitch. But no one is calling out the Mangina (the 0-2 Mangina) for being a snitch.

Finally, you could almost hear all the studio analysts rooting for the Chargers on Sunday night, especially Jerome Bettis. He questioned whether the Pats cheated to beat his Steelers teams in two AFC Championship games. Hmmm... In 2002 I wonder what defensive signal they stole to have Troy Brown house a punt on your hapless Steelers and how they cheated when Troy blocked a field goal and flipped it to Antwan Harris who took it 60 yards to pay dirt. Regardless, when the Patriots put the BEAT DOWN on the Chargers (a team many had going to the Superbowl) they completely ignored it.

Well, I guess that's about that on the Belichick front, other than that this Pats team is unstoppable and will leave teams decimated in its wake as it unleashes never-before-seen destruction upon the rest of the league.