Red Sox Picture Essay

So my Sox are down 3 games to 1 and have there backs against the wall. Beckett is on the bump Thursday night which gives me a lot of confidence that they can get it back to Boston (which I hope on my life they do since I have a ticket to game 6 (knock on wood)). Anyway I feel that the pitching hasn't been the Sox's problem but their hitting so I have compiled a visual breakdown of their lineup...













1. Dustin Pedroia aka John Clayton, 2B- Dustin has seemed overwhelmed in the playoffs, especially this series, and as Jon Papelbon pointed out the other night, he kind of looks like ESPN personality John Clayton although I don't think he expected him to hit like the professor.













2. Kevin Youkilis aka Eff You Kevin Youkilis, 1B- Youk hasn't been that bad this series but that dropped foul ball last night might have ended that 5th inning earlier. Side note: Check out Jon Papelbon interviewing Kevin Millar for the hilarious quote: "Kevin Youkilis actually feeds off how ugly he is." Its a bit long but worth it.













3. David Ortiz aka Magilla Gorilla, DH- He's been an absolute beast since the beginning of September and he's been battling a ton of injuries. I LOVE YOU, Dr. Zaus, er, I mean Papi.

(Magilla Gorilla, Gorilla for sale...)













4. Manny Ramirez aka the Man Ram, LF- If you thought I was going to bash Manny then you clearly have no idea what I'm about.













5. Mike Lowell aka Yoda, 3B- He's so wise, like a Cuban Buddha covered with hair. I can't say anything bad about the elder statesman, whose actually not that old, except that the Sox probably shouldn't resign him to a deal over 2 years so they can throw a ton of money at Miguel Cabrera when he comes on the market after the 2008 season.













6. JD Drew aka Nancy Drew, RF- I actually think this is an insult to Nancy Drew since she has done a lot more for me than JD (I always wondered what was up with that old clock and she figured it out, not that I ever read any of those books...). Also Nancy could probably get on base more and be a decent situational hitter. I can't believe JD's getting paid $14 million... (Note: I tried to find a picture of JD Drew looking at a called third strike, late in the game, with runners on base but it was surprisingly hard to find which is weird because I don't think I've ever seen him do anything other than that).













7. Jason Varitek aka Captain America, C- I know he hasn't hit but I might as well say I hate freedom if I bash him...












8. Coco Crisp aka hilarious monkey pitchman for similarly named cereal, CF- Coco has done absolutely nothing since coming to Boston other than play great defense. I understand that great center field play is key to a good team but it can't be good that he's batting .250, can it? Anyway I'm pretty sure this monkey could get at least one clutch hit in two years.













9. Julio Lugo, aka Skinny Ethiopian Kid from South Park, SS- I'm not as down on Lugo as everybody else because he's a decent no. 9 hitter. Then I remember when they let Orlando Cabrera go to save a couple bucks and I want to shoot myself in the face. And he looks like he hasn't had a good meal since the 90's...

Manager Terry Francona aka World's smallest man. I think these pictures speaks for themselves.