Here's a breakdown of this weeks matchups in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. My season record to date is not good (13-16-3) but I feel like I'm going to turn it around real soon. You won't find any crazy stats here, just my gut feeling about teams (maybe that's why I'm doing so poorly...). So here they are (Home team in CAPS).
Indy (-6) over HOUSTON- Lead Pipe Lock of the Week
Houston and Matt Schaub have looked impressive in their
first two contests (wins against Carolina and the Chiefs). Carolina is a decent victory but the Chiefs are the worst team in the league. Also stud WR Andre Johnson is out for the game. Look for the Colts to win big.
Buffalo (+16.5) over NEW ENGLAND
Listen, I love my Pats, they're the best team in football hands down but there is no way they cover this spread. This has all the makings of a 20-7 snooze-fest where Belichick doesn't try to do anything fancy. Heck, it could be a lot closer than 20-7. New England has a tendency to let bad teams hang around a little bit because they don't want to show their hand to the rest of the league. On top of that, the Bills are one of the few teams that hasn't whined about Belichick, include that with the whole Kevin Everett injury and the Hooded One will probably show some mercy against the hapless Bills.
NEW YORK JETS ( -3) over Miami
Look for the Mangina the Hypocrite to rebound against a Miami team that has not played well but will be frisky enough to keep it close, especially because Chad Pennington will be playing for the Jets. Look for a low scoring game, something like 13-6 with a lot of cheating by New York.
Detroit (+6) over Philly - UPSET SPECIAL
The Eagles are not a good team. They throw the ball 50 times a game for some reason and history says you can't win by playing like that. Detroit has emerged as a pretty decent team, especially now since God is helping Kitna recover from injuries. Factor this in with Philly's Brians (Westbrook and Dawkins) being questionable and you wonder why the Eagles are favored. Hey McNabb, you don't get criticized because your black, it's because you suck and haven't won anything (sweet NFC Championship ring though, dude.).
PITTSBURGH (-9) over San Francisco
I hate the Steelers and everything they're about (cut your freaking hair and change your number, Polamalu) but they have looked pretty good against some BAD teams (Cleve and Buffalo) while the 9ers have squeaked by some fair competition (Arizona and St. Louis). San Francisco and Mr. Small Hands haven't been able to move the ball effectively. However, the 49ers D has looked very good with super-rook Pat Willis (not my hall mate from sophomore year at boarding school, the 6'1" 240-lbs black man from Mississippi) clogging up the middle. I think this game will be close but with the Steelers pulling away late, something like 20-10.
TAMPA BAY (-3.5) over St. Louis
St. Louis with out Orlando Pace is like Thanksgiving without the turkey, you still get a nice meal but something is seriously missing. Add to that, that all Jeff Garcia does is win football games and you have the Bucs covering easily.
San Diego (-5) over GREEN BAY
Green Bay has looked good, especially on defense, but I don't think that either of their opponents (Philly and the Giants) are particularly good. On the other hand this Charger team talks like they invented football and their QB has been very poor. I think LT steps up this game and Favre throws 3 picks which will be forced by pressure from 'Roid Rage Merriman and the rest of the very good Whale's Vagina pass rush.
BALTIMORE (-8) over Arizona
Arizona looks to have a revamped defense but their offense has been nothing more than decent. Baltimore should be 2-0 right now and will be fired up to play at home. Arizona will keep it close but I picture Ed Reed taking a Leinart pass the other way for 6 in the 4th quarter to help the Ravens cover.
Minnesota (+3) over KANSAS CITY
Kansas City is bad, like miserable bad, like 2-14 bad. I have no idea why the are favored to win this game (I guess because of homefield advantage and possibly the return of Jared Allen). Regardless whether Tavaris Jackson or Kelly Holcomb start for the Vikings, Herm "I did a terrible job" Edwards will find some way to blow the game (and probably Larry Johnson's ACL in the process).
OAKLAND (-3) over Cleveland
Cleveland's 51 point outburst against Cincinnati is like when I hooked up with this hot chick with a nice rack at a Dave Matthews Concert (you don't know how it happened, you don't why how it happened, but there are 2 things you are sure of 1) that Cincy and that girl felt terrible about themselves the next day and 2) it will probably never happen again). On top of that the Raiders defense is much better than Cincy's. Look for the Scuttler (Lamont Jordan) to have a big (150+ yards) day and Oakland to cover easily. Cleveland's season peaked last week.
SEATTLE (-3.5) over Cincinnati
I could be totally wrong about this one but the Bengals looked awful on defense and Seattle will be looking to avenge that loss to the Cardinals. Honestly I have no idea.
DENVER (-3) over Jacksonville
The Jaguars are a bad team. It's that simple. While Denver has not looked impressive and Ron Jaworski's man crush (Cutler) hasn't wowed people they are still good team who will win 10 or so games. One of those will come today over the Jags (who are realizing that cutting Byron Leftwich (who has Heart of a Champion) brought them some serious negative Karma).
ATLANTA (+3.5) over Carolina
Not really sure why. I don't want to write anything about this game because it will depress me. If this is the game that is on TV in your area, you should probably move.
WASHINGTON (-3.5) over New York Giants
The Giants defense stinks on ice and I blame Michael Strahan and the giant gap in his teeth. Seriously, they don't even look like they're trying. Jason Campbell has looked very good and so has my man Clinton Portis. Week 1 was fluke for the black-sheep Manning boy. They should put in the Battleship just for fun. Look for New York coach Tom Coughlin to get fired at half-time.
Dallas (+3) over CHICAGO
I think Dallas will score enough points on the Bears to put the game out of reach for Sexy Rexy. The Bears will score 2 touchdowns (one on defense/special teams and one on a bomb to Bernard Berrian where Roy Williams completely misplays the ball) but that won't be enough as the Cowboys score somewhere in the 20-28 range. Note: I hate this pick and will be rooting for the Bears, Dallas sucks.
Tennessee (+4) over NEW ORLEANS
Yeah, I know the 'Aints will be fired up to play at home but they have looked terrible. And don't forget Rule #1 of football: Vince Young wins games and Rule #2: unless he is playing Tom Brady. The Titans will win outright and the 'Aints can go back to being a footnote in the NFL.
Indy (-6) over HOUSTON- Lead Pipe Lock of the Week
Houston and Matt Schaub have looked impressive in their
first two contests (wins against Carolina and the Chiefs). Carolina is a decent victory but the Chiefs are the worst team in the league. Also stud WR Andre Johnson is out for the game. Look for the Colts to win big.Buffalo (+16.5) over NEW ENGLAND
Listen, I love my Pats, they're the best team in football hands down but there is no way they cover this spread. This has all the makings of a 20-7 snooze-fest where Belichick doesn't try to do anything fancy. Heck, it could be a lot closer than 20-7. New England has a tendency to let bad teams hang around a little bit because they don't want to show their hand to the rest of the league. On top of that, the Bills are one of the few teams that hasn't whined about Belichick, include that with the whole Kevin Everett injury and the Hooded One will probably show some mercy against the hapless Bills.
NEW YORK JETS ( -3) over Miami
Look for the Mangina the Hypocrite to rebound against a Miami team that has not played well but will be frisky enough to keep it close, especially because Chad Pennington will be playing for the Jets. Look for a low scoring game, something like 13-6 with a lot of cheating by New York.
Detroit (+6) over Philly - UPSET SPECIAL
The Eagles are not a good team. They throw the ball 50 times a game for some reason and history says you can't win by playing like that. Detroit has emerged as a pretty decent team, especially now since God is helping Kitna recover from injuries. Factor this in with Philly's Brians (Westbrook and Dawkins) being questionable and you wonder why the Eagles are favored. Hey McNabb, you don't get criticized because your black, it's because you suck and haven't won anything (sweet NFC Championship ring though, dude.).
PITTSBURGH (-9) over San Francisco
I hate the Steelers and everything they're about (cut your freaking hair and change your number, Polamalu) but they have looked pretty good against some BAD teams (Cleve and Buffalo) while the 9ers have squeaked by some fair competition (Arizona and St. Louis). San Francisco and Mr. Small Hands haven't been able to move the ball effectively. However, the 49ers D has looked very good with super-rook Pat Willis (not my hall mate from sophomore year at boarding school, the 6'1" 240-lbs black man from Mississippi) clogging up the middle. I think this game will be close but with the Steelers pulling away late, something like 20-10.
TAMPA BAY (-3.5) over St. Louis
St. Louis with out Orlando Pace is like Thanksgiving without the turkey, you still get a nice meal but something is seriously missing. Add to that, that all Jeff Garcia does is win football games and you have the Bucs covering easily.
San Diego (-5) over GREEN BAY
Green Bay has looked good, especially on defense, but I don't think that either of their opponents (Philly and the Giants) are particularly good. On the other hand this Charger team talks like they invented football and their QB has been very poor. I think LT steps up this game and Favre throws 3 picks which will be forced by pressure from 'Roid Rage Merriman and the rest of the very good Whale's Vagina pass rush.
BALTIMORE (-8) over Arizona
Arizona looks to have a revamped defense but their offense has been nothing more than decent. Baltimore should be 2-0 right now and will be fired up to play at home. Arizona will keep it close but I picture Ed Reed taking a Leinart pass the other way for 6 in the 4th quarter to help the Ravens cover.
Minnesota (+3) over KANSAS CITY
Kansas City is bad, like miserable bad, like 2-14 bad. I have no idea why the are favored to win this game (I guess because of homefield advantage and possibly the return of Jared Allen). Regardless whether Tavaris Jackson or Kelly Holcomb start for the Vikings, Herm "I did a terrible job" Edwards will find some way to blow the game (and probably Larry Johnson's ACL in the process).
OAKLAND (-3) over Cleveland
Cleveland's 51 point outburst against Cincinnati is like when I hooked up with this hot chick with a nice rack at a Dave Matthews Concert (you don't know how it happened, you don't why how it happened, but there are 2 things you are sure of 1) that Cincy and that girl felt terrible about themselves the next day and 2) it will probably never happen again). On top of that the Raiders defense is much better than Cincy's. Look for the Scuttler (Lamont Jordan) to have a big (150+ yards) day and Oakland to cover easily. Cleveland's season peaked last week.
SEATTLE (-3.5) over Cincinnati
I could be totally wrong about this one but the Bengals looked awful on defense and Seattle will be looking to avenge that loss to the Cardinals. Honestly I have no idea.
DENVER (-3) over Jacksonville
The Jaguars are a bad team. It's that simple. While Denver has not looked impressive and Ron Jaworski's man crush (Cutler) hasn't wowed people they are still good team who will win 10 or so games. One of those will come today over the Jags (who are realizing that cutting Byron Leftwich (who has Heart of a Champion) brought them some serious negative Karma).
ATLANTA (+3.5) over Carolina
Not really sure why. I don't want to write anything about this game because it will depress me. If this is the game that is on TV in your area, you should probably move.
WASHINGTON (-3.5) over New York Giants
The Giants defense stinks on ice and I blame Michael Strahan and the giant gap in his teeth. Seriously, they don't even look like they're trying. Jason Campbell has looked very good and so has my man Clinton Portis. Week 1 was fluke for the black-sheep Manning boy. They should put in the Battleship just for fun. Look for New York coach Tom Coughlin to get fired at half-time.
Dallas (+3) over CHICAGO
I think Dallas will score enough points on the Bears to put the game out of reach for Sexy Rexy. The Bears will score 2 touchdowns (one on defense/special teams and one on a bomb to Bernard Berrian where Roy Williams completely misplays the ball) but that won't be enough as the Cowboys score somewhere in the 20-28 range. Note: I hate this pick and will be rooting for the Bears, Dallas sucks.
Tennessee (+4) over NEW ORLEANS
Yeah, I know the 'Aints will be fired up to play at home but they have looked terrible. And don't forget Rule #1 of football: Vince Young wins games and Rule #2: unless he is playing Tom Brady. The Titans will win outright and the 'Aints can go back to being a footnote in the NFL.
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